What happens when I touch grass
by Marcus L.
A May 2025 Monthly Story Challenge Winner
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The great outdoors! Full of trees, fresh air, and BUGS! Feel the rustic outdoors, breathe in the slightly less polluted air, and watch as your body explodes with 20 different rashes at once. Some people think that the outdoors would never harm them and that it’s all sunshine, rainbows, and puppies, but in reality, half the animals in there want you as their meal (or snack, for skinny people). The outdoors, in my personal experience, sucks harder than a vacuum because of being lost and the barrage of insects waiting to suck you dry like Dracula.
First, the outdoors is easy to get lost in. Everything looks the same: tree, soil, dirt, animals. According to the local police, 600 people get lost in the woods annually. And don’t try to find your way out. Cell phone? NO SIGNAL. Use a compass or something? Ain't gonna work if you have magnets, and people stopped using compasses to navigate about 200 years ago. Survive? Listen to yourself. You can barely survive sitting down for 8 hours on end, doing boring paperwork. Do you think you can survive with no tools, no help, just you alone with animals that have no second thoughts about eating you? You’d be better off staying at the campgrounds. Or better yet, in the car, cowering in fear!
Once, my brain decided it would be fun to go into the wilderness alone. “Go into the woods,” my brain said, “It’ll be fun!” I went in, took about 20 steps, and COMPLETELY forgot where I was. I started running around, and ran for about 5 minutes until I realized that I was running in circles. Panic seized my little body, and I ran as far as I could…in the opposite direction I came from. I was now alone, with nothing but my thoughts. And immediately, my thoughts flooded my brain like a dam exploding at the seams. “Where am I? Are red berries safe to eat? Are there bears nearby? Should I eat bugs? AM I GONNA DIE?” At that moment, I screamed as loud as I could, my voice causing birds to fly from the trees, leaving behind nothing but feathers and poop. My parents came over within a minute. I had only been about a foot from the hiking trail I deviated from. My face burned until I was redder than blood, and I kept my head down the entire hike back.
Another reason why the great outdoors is highly overrated is BUGS. I swear to god, every time I go to the forest, about 20 different species come over and decorate me with bites! According to WHO (World Health Organization), bugs transmit 17% of all known diseases! That’s 17 in 100 viruses. No matter what I do, even if I infuse bug spray into my skin, bugs still bite me! It’s like I’m a big popsicle! And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one with bug problems. Everyone I know has at least one experience that leaves them looking like spicy Cheetos! Even authors sometimes allude to their anti-pest side, with some main characters having to deal with stuff like mosquitoes faster than your reaction time! And they almost always go after one person in particular, like the biggest person! Then that person ends up beating themselves up, like they’re possessed, smacking everything BUT the pestilence! They might even smack their [in betweens].
Once, for a school trip, I went to Costa Rica. Like all tropical places, they are hot and humid. My brain was being Kentucky fried, and the sweat seemed to fall like rain. We went hiking in a thick rainforest, which lo and behold, contained BUGS. As I was hiking, the sweat seemed to pour like a hose, leaving a soggy trail behind me. I reached for my Gatorade, and as I did, like clockwork, about 50 different bugs came right at me. It was like my body was the Death Star, swarmed with ships attacking me with lasers. I instinctively started slapping my face, and then 2 more people assisted me in getting rid of the pests. My brother and some other classmates decided to join the fray, and the classmate even had a fly swatter. My face was getting tenderized into meatloaf, and the bugs didn’t stop their assault. The bugs went for my brother and the classmate, and ended up with five of us punching, slapping, and kicking each other everywhere possible to get rid of the vile, invincible pests. We ended up each with black eyes, swollen faces, and somehow more welts. I swear to god that the nurse’s face, when she saw us, was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I wheezed, hacked, and laughed the rest of the day, and when I see that face in my mind, I go back to rolling on the floor, dying of laughter.
All in all, the outdoors is something to avoid at all costs. Keep in mind I mean every habitat other than your lawn. Even though you get vitamin D and greens, you can also get malaria and become one of 600 lucky people to never see your home again! This will also make sure that we STOP POLLUTING FORESTS, since you can’t pollute if you aren't there!
Photo: Trevor Paxton on unsplash